I got an invite the other day to be part of one of those videos family and friends groups are making these days to have a bit of fun and togetherness in the lockdown period. I have seen several of those on Facebook. Some of them looked really nice and I complimented the makers and hit like on their creativity and camaraderie. But I turned down the invite. I have been accused of many things over the years but I don't think being 'fun' was ever part of them - not in the recent past anyway!
"When did you get so shy?' I was asked. "We still remember you dancing on stage in college." Yup. I have done that. Danced to 'Rangeela' on stage. I have even participated in a couple of beauty pageants. You heard that right! This was before everyone and their grand aunt knew exactly how tall and how wide you needed to be to get a foot in the door of those. What can I say? I went to college in less complicated times! (And I can't be thankful enough for the lack of phone cameras back then!) And I had a lot more...what do you call it...confidence? Courage? What really is an apt translation for that bang-on-the-nail Malayalam word "tholikkatti"? Just calling it "thicker skin" doesn't seem to capture the spirit of it! Maybe my 'fun' quotient just got exhausted with all that constant effort to be in the centre of everything! Or maybe it had something to do with the vicious event of ragging that happened when I left the comfortable environs of CMS College - which was practically home! - and my home town and landed up in Law College, Ernakulam. One that ended with me breaking down in the middle of the road surrounded by a group of male seniors who considered it their divine right and duty 'to bring me down a peg.' That was the first time I realized the inherent difference between 'the way you see yourself' and 'the way the world looks at you.' (as immortalised in many a meme these days*). I saw myself as cool and fun. They did not. It is an inevitable phase in growing up - the first hard knock that teaches you to take an objective look at yourself.
[*Scroll to the bottom for an example. Or just read on and you will get there 😀]
Three years later, the venue shifted to National Law School, Bangalore. For the first time I realised that I spoke English 'like a Malayali.' And dressed like one too. Apparently, this was nothing to be proud of. And that was confusing because I had taken pride in both, up to that point. If Law College gifted me a Bachelor's Degree in toning down, Law School handed me my Master's in blending in.
At my first job, I was told I looked like 'an aunty' because I still sported gold jewelry on an everyday basis. (This was back when I still believed I needed to wear my 'thali' on a chain to be a good wife and a couple of bangles to show myself to be a good daughter.) When I went through a phase, early in my marriage, of 'not wanting kids' I was incredulously informed by one of my colleagues that I did not '*look* like someone who could have that kind of an attitude.' This was brand new information to me - as a bindi-sporting, kurta-wearing, bangles-jangling kind of a person, I was expected to be conservative and docile or in any case, anything but radical! What a blow to my feminist underpinnings! Funny thing is, a few years later, I shed the attitude as well as the bindi and the bangles but I did go on to have two lovely kids, so go figure!
What I am driving at here is not that 'life' turned me into a bitter, un-fun person! Oh no! What I mean is, it took me a long time to figure out what I really was (which is basically and unapologetically 'un-fun.') For the better part of early adulthood, you are more concerned about how you are perceived than what you really are. You try to change, adapt, mould yourself to be better liked, better accepted. At some point you realise, however hard you try, there is still a huge difference between what you are trying to project and what is being perceived about you. The best thing about being above forty is that you finally realise there is absolutely no way you can control perceptions and what suits you best is to be comfortable with yourself, just the way you are. And I am not comfortable in front of a camera. Period. I spent an entire 12-day trip with two millennials who wanted to capture the spirit of the trip every minute through Insta videos. I was happy to help them do it. Without being in even one. It's just the way it is. And right now, right this way, I am having the kind of fun that I actually enjoy, from the depths of my heart, without undue worry about how that might cause people to look at me.
Social media has turned us all into 'performers' on some level. Some sing, some dance, some give cutting political insight and others make YouTube videos on cooking. I blog. Each of us awaits validation from our social circle by way of comments and likes. Most of us are lucky enough to stay within our own social bubbles and be insulated from the harsh reality of online haters and anonymous trolls. That does not mean we are not being judged and perceived quite differently from what we are trying to project. ('Really? Her? When the hell did she becomes a singer/dancer/political commentator/chef/writer?') All you can do is to keep true and enjoy what you do. As for me, I absolutely try to stay away from anything I am not comfortable doing. Because I can handle being judged for what I believe in. Not for anything else.
Oh...and before I sign off, here is one those memes I referred to earlier 😊
"When did you get so shy?' I was asked. "We still remember you dancing on stage in college." Yup. I have done that. Danced to 'Rangeela' on stage. I have even participated in a couple of beauty pageants. You heard that right! This was before everyone and their grand aunt knew exactly how tall and how wide you needed to be to get a foot in the door of those. What can I say? I went to college in less complicated times! (And I can't be thankful enough for the lack of phone cameras back then!) And I had a lot more...what do you call it...confidence? Courage? What really is an apt translation for that bang-on-the-nail Malayalam word "tholikkatti"? Just calling it "thicker skin" doesn't seem to capture the spirit of it! Maybe my 'fun' quotient just got exhausted with all that constant effort to be in the centre of everything! Or maybe it had something to do with the vicious event of ragging that happened when I left the comfortable environs of CMS College - which was practically home! - and my home town and landed up in Law College, Ernakulam. One that ended with me breaking down in the middle of the road surrounded by a group of male seniors who considered it their divine right and duty 'to bring me down a peg.' That was the first time I realized the inherent difference between 'the way you see yourself' and 'the way the world looks at you.' (as immortalised in many a meme these days*). I saw myself as cool and fun. They did not. It is an inevitable phase in growing up - the first hard knock that teaches you to take an objective look at yourself.
[*Scroll to the bottom for an example. Or just read on and you will get there 😀]
At my first job, I was told I looked like 'an aunty' because I still sported gold jewelry on an everyday basis. (This was back when I still believed I needed to wear my 'thali' on a chain to be a good wife and a couple of bangles to show myself to be a good daughter.) When I went through a phase, early in my marriage, of 'not wanting kids' I was incredulously informed by one of my colleagues that I did not '*look* like someone who could have that kind of an attitude.' This was brand new information to me - as a bindi-sporting, kurta-wearing, bangles-jangling kind of a person, I was expected to be conservative and docile or in any case, anything but radical! What a blow to my feminist underpinnings! Funny thing is, a few years later, I shed the attitude as well as the bindi and the bangles but I did go on to have two lovely kids, so go figure!
What I am driving at here is not that 'life' turned me into a bitter, un-fun person! Oh no! What I mean is, it took me a long time to figure out what I really was (which is basically and unapologetically 'un-fun.') For the better part of early adulthood, you are more concerned about how you are perceived than what you really are. You try to change, adapt, mould yourself to be better liked, better accepted. At some point you realise, however hard you try, there is still a huge difference between what you are trying to project and what is being perceived about you. The best thing about being above forty is that you finally realise there is absolutely no way you can control perceptions and what suits you best is to be comfortable with yourself, just the way you are. And I am not comfortable in front of a camera. Period. I spent an entire 12-day trip with two millennials who wanted to capture the spirit of the trip every minute through Insta videos. I was happy to help them do it. Without being in even one. It's just the way it is. And right now, right this way, I am having the kind of fun that I actually enjoy, from the depths of my heart, without undue worry about how that might cause people to look at me.
Social media has turned us all into 'performers' on some level. Some sing, some dance, some give cutting political insight and others make YouTube videos on cooking. I blog. Each of us awaits validation from our social circle by way of comments and likes. Most of us are lucky enough to stay within our own social bubbles and be insulated from the harsh reality of online haters and anonymous trolls. That does not mean we are not being judged and perceived quite differently from what we are trying to project. ('Really? Her? When the hell did she becomes a singer/dancer/political commentator/chef/writer?') All you can do is to keep true and enjoy what you do. As for me, I absolutely try to stay away from anything I am not comfortable doing. Because I can handle being judged for what I believe in. Not for anything else.
Oh...and before I sign off, here is one those memes I referred to earlier 😊
(Image Courtesy: http://www.amreading.com/wp-content/uploads/Freelance-writer-meme.jpg)
